Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Faking News: Liverpool's Future & Barca's Treble Valuation

It’s time for Another Prick In The Wall to report some sensational news which probably isn’t covered by any of the bigger news sources for fear of fan backlash or litigation. But being brave and challenging the accepted norms of society comes naturally to APTW, and hence without bothering about the consequences, APTW exclusively reveals two startling nuggets of information here:

Chip & Dale
John Henry’s plans for Liverpool FC

John Henry talked to the fans of the club he recently took over from the beleaguered previous owners Hicks & Gillett – making them look like Chip & Dale in the process – and while he said that NESV had big plans for Liverpool Football Club, he carefully refrained from outlined what exactly those plans were.

However, based on inside information from a source high up with NESV, Another Prick In The Wall confirms that John Henry plans to start Liverpool Football Club in place of er…Liverpool Football Club, the word Football being key. As the insider who quoted to APTW, “Note that John Henry never said Liverpool Soccer club, he said Liverpool Football Club”. Based on this valuable comment, APTW assumes that starting from the short term, John Henry plans to retain Roy Hodgson and the current crop of players, who he feels are much more suited to playing football the American way (Rugby, for those who're not bright). “The possibilities are endless”, our source tells us, “NESV, in the long term plan to start the NESV’s English Premier League which will feature all those clubs who are owned by sugar daddies who don’t give two hoots about football [the English one], are on the path of either going bankrupt or being thrown out by the insufferable English FA, and are open to being bought out by caring owners like us who are willing to give them a facelift and an entire sportlift”

For full quotes by the insider at NESV, click here.

Comic Look Alikes?
The True Valuation of Barca’s Pep Team

Summer 2009-10, a very confident Xavier Sala-i-Martin had announced that for € 65 million, Barca could buy the entire team that took the field in Rome for the Champions League final of 2008-09. Not minding the hypocrisy – Barca splashed roughly the same amount on Zlatan Ibrahamovic in the same summer – it turns out that poor Xavier was wrong after all.

The latest investigation carried out by Barca’s comic Mascherano look-alike president Sandro Rossell (the Mascherano signing is finally explained, don’t you think) seems to suggest that the true valuation of the Barca team that took to the field in the 08-09 final is at least € 102 million; the rather debatable 65 million of Senor Xavier and an extra, hitherto undisclosed € 47 million splashed by ex-president Joan Laporta on Rolex watches, caviar, champagne, for players and “refreshments” for all the fat turds that sit in the VIP box, and the likes. If there’s such a benevolent president who gives away freebies per game, I’m sure even Levante can have the motivation to do a treble. The full findings will be published in the civil court where Joan Laporta has set out to get screwed…er…sued. So, stay tuned for the end game and remember you read about it first on Another Prick In The Wall.


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